When I was a little girl we moved to a new city and I had to make new friends. I was very shy and this wasn’t something that came easily to me, so I spent our first year there hiding in the shadows. Our second year in the city I started grade five, and I was surprised when the “popular girls” invited me to go to the Fall Fair with them. I was so excited and even more so when my Dad said it was okay and gave me $5 to spend (I just dated myself, I know). The day came and my cousin and sister were heading to the fair in the morning. I decided to tag along since I wasn’t going with my friends until the afternoon. I kept my money safe in my back pocket and didn’t go on one ride because I wanted to do that with my new friends. When we were heading back home, I reached into my pocket and realized my money was gone. We returned to the fair and searched and searched for the $5 (I was a really naive kid) before going home in tears to tell my Dad I lost it. He wouldn’t give me any more money, and when I called my friend to say I couldn’t go because I lost the money when I was at the fair with my sister, she thought I was lying and had already enjoyed the fair. Instead of having new friends, I spent the next few years avoiding the girls who thought I was a liar. I remember how that loss felt … the loss of the money, the loss of the friends, the loss of what could have been.
Of course, now that I’m an adult, I’ve felt much more loss. I’ve said my goodbyes to friends and family members, and I’ve experienced devastating miscarriages. I recently lost something again. Not a material thing, and not something that was even mine to lose, but I feel the loss all the same and my heart aches when I’m constantly reminded of what could have been. One of the hardest things about this loss is that it was a choice. There’s only been a few times in my life when I was faced with a decision where I don’t think there was any right answer, and this was one of those times. My family was faced with a difficult choice that impacted each of us, and many others in and outside of our family, and in the end it was my husband and I who had to choose. My head tells me we made the right choice, but my heart keeps saying we didn’t.
Life can change on a dime, and being an adult isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
That is all.
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